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I hadn't heard, until this morning, of the sad, awful story of Julie Schenecker, who allegedly shot and killed her two teenaged kids for being "mouthy." I have always said that I don't worry about the people who own their irritation/rage at their kids--"I could just kill that kid sometimes." God knows I say it--sometimes on a daily basis. The people who have always scared me are the ones who insist that they love their kids 24/7, and the ones who, hearing me say "I could kill the kid" hurry to tell me that I don't mean it, that I would never hurt that precious child. Because if they have kids and don't occasionally feel that way, I can't help but believe that they're sitting on a hellmouth of repressed fury.
The Schenecker story is awful; but what alerted me to it was an op-ed piece by Katherine Ellison in the NY Times this morning. It's a thoughtful piece, and I don't disagree with any of it. It talks about the effect of stress, isolation, the fraying of the extended family (and I would add, current cultural notions about families*) on parents, particularly on mothers.
I don't disagree--I've seen the sort of Facebook pages Ellison mentions. Not many, because the people I hang out with on the web, as in real life, don't tend toward soothing facades. But my first thought was: "Have you met the Internet?"
I often find myself on the outskirts of flamewars and whateverfails; on the outskirts because, as I've said many times before, I am a Big Coward about fights. But the 'net I know is not a peaceful place: it's a roiling, seething caldron of opinions and trolls and fascinating information and timesucks, kind of like real life. I don't retreat here--I reach out to the people I don't get to see otherwise. And the internet--this LJ--is frequently my wailing wall; I may Friendslock or edit what I say here, but really I'm more invested in collecting anecdotal evidence that I'm not the only one who wants to whap my kid upside the head with a whiffle-bat than I am in presenting a pretty picture**.
Schenecker apparently posted only the good-parts bits of her life, her pride in her children's accomplishments. I don't think it was the 'net that isolated her, but her own idea of the face she was supposed to present the world.
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*there's an ad for "The Cloud," Microsoft's new software, in which a mother is trying to get her family to hold still for the Christmas card photo. They don't, so she retouches the photo to give her the happy, smiling family she's always wanted to show the world. Need I say I find this ad, and its underlying assumptions, deeeeeeply creepy?
** It's also a lot easier to be funny about wanting to whap my kids upside the head with a whiffle-bat, than it is to be funny about how proud I am about them, and I'm all about the funny. I realize not everyone is built that way.
The Schenecker story is awful; but what alerted me to it was an op-ed piece by Katherine Ellison in the NY Times this morning. It's a thoughtful piece, and I don't disagree with any of it. It talks about the effect of stress, isolation, the fraying of the extended family (and I would add, current cultural notions about families*) on parents, particularly on mothers.
It’s easy to write these cases off as freak results of severe mental illness. But most of these women’s stories also include a lot of ordinary stress and social isolation, the fallout from divorce and the dispersal of extended families. Increasingly cut off from real-time conversations, mad housewives find solace in e-communities, where “life” is so much more soothing and predictable than dealing with teenagers. While news reports say Ms. Schenecker was seeking help from real-life counselors in the weeks before the killings, her Facebook page, with its pretty family photographs and homilies, is a portrait of polished denial.
I don't disagree--I've seen the sort of Facebook pages Ellison mentions. Not many, because the people I hang out with on the web, as in real life, don't tend toward soothing facades. But my first thought was: "Have you met the Internet?"
I often find myself on the outskirts of flamewars and whateverfails; on the outskirts because, as I've said many times before, I am a Big Coward about fights. But the 'net I know is not a peaceful place: it's a roiling, seething caldron of opinions and trolls and fascinating information and timesucks, kind of like real life. I don't retreat here--I reach out to the people I don't get to see otherwise. And the internet--this LJ--is frequently my wailing wall; I may Friendslock or edit what I say here, but really I'm more invested in collecting anecdotal evidence that I'm not the only one who wants to whap my kid upside the head with a whiffle-bat than I am in presenting a pretty picture**.
Schenecker apparently posted only the good-parts bits of her life, her pride in her children's accomplishments. I don't think it was the 'net that isolated her, but her own idea of the face she was supposed to present the world.
_____
*there's an ad for "The Cloud," Microsoft's new software, in which a mother is trying to get her family to hold still for the Christmas card photo. They don't, so she retouches the photo to give her the happy, smiling family she's always wanted to show the world. Need I say I find this ad, and its underlying assumptions, deeeeeeply creepy?
** It's also a lot easier to be funny about wanting to whap my kids upside the head with a whiffle-bat, than it is to be funny about how proud I am about them, and I'm all about the funny. I realize not everyone is built that way.